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First I know this is for blog is for misscarriages but I feel I need to start from my very first pregnancy. It is easier to understand everything I felt if you all know the whole story because not everyone “loses” their babies just to God.

The first time I found out I was pregnant was just after my 17th birthday. I was young, and I was alone. It was the morning of November 5th, 2003. My best friend was with me because the “man” who got me pregnant (he was 23) turned out to be a boy. Those little pink lines were the scariest thing I had ever seen. Thankfully I had an amazing pregnancy…. Due to personal issues in my life I was forced to give my beautiful baby girl up for adoption. 9 perfect months of loving her but she was not meant to be mine. I had absolutely no problems with my pregnancy at all. No morning sickness even. It was everything a women dreams about for a pregnancy.

Just a short time later on November 5th, 2005 I was in yet another bathroom staring at yet 2 more pink lines….. I was completely not expecting it…. My boyfriend and I had just broken up 2 weeks before. The test was a joke between my sister and I. She thought she was pregnant and we “always” get pregnanct together. So she asked me to take a test at the same time just for fun…. She, the one expecting to be expecting, only had one pick line. I on the other hand sat stund on a toilet seat staring at 2 pink lines while she called to me worridly from the other side of a locked bathroom door…. I walked out trembling and handed her the test. We both started crying. I was TERRIFIED!

Just 2 years earlier I was in this same position. My ex found out quickly and immediately came to see me. ( I was too scared to tell him myself because of what had happened with my oldests father). We tried to make it work but were too young to see what potential we had as a couple. We completely lost touch for the duration of my pregnancy. Everything seemed to be going perfectly for this pregnancy as well… Then at 32 weeks I awoke in a huge puddle of blood. I was bleeding quite profusely. Enough to leave a trail across the floor as I walked to the bathroom. I immediately went to the E.R. and once hooked up to monitors found I was contracting regularly every 2 minutes (I had a “backache” which turned out to be back labor). They managed to stop the contractions with procardia and some other I.V. medications. My daughter was then born 3 days late weighing in at 8lbs 7oz 21.5in. She is now a completely healthy 50lb almost 6 year old. (Her daddy has been in her life from day 1 thankfully!)

Move forward to January 2008. I had been in a relationship for more than a year when my period didn’t show…. again say hello to 2 pretty pink lines. This time I was thrilled. This baby was 100% planned. Unfortunately it was not meant to be. 3 weeks later I began bleeding and within 2 hours began passing “tissue” and 1 rather large “clot”. The doctors had no explanation.

Now the absolute worst experience of my life…. Mother’s Day 2008. My period was by this time 3 days late. My boyfriend (same from previous) brought home a pregnancy test along with my Mother’s Day gift. It was one of the Clear Blue digitals. So instead of the pretty pinks lines I watched a cute little hour glass flash a spin until finally the word “pregnant” appeared. Again we were thrilled. I was unable to set up an appointment right away due to a lack of insurance so we put the paperwork in and waited. Father’s Day morning I woke up bright and early and feeling amazing! I had decided to make my boyfriend the most amazing breakfast to go with his gifts. While standing at the stove, frying sausage and scrambling eggs, I felt a huge, wet goosh.

Without saying a word I shut off the burners and walked to the bathroom. By the times I got to the bathroom the blood had soaked clear through my pants and was making its way down my legs. I cleaned up, changed my clothes and called my mom to see if she could take my daughter. Then I told my boyfriend we needed to go to the hospital. As soon as we arrived they took me to a room and gave me a gown. Within 30 minutes they had me in an ultrasound room. I immediately knew my worst fears were true. The tech asked me over and over if I was 100% positive about the date of my last period and then said nothing else. They wheeled me back to my room and about 15 minutes later the doctor came in. Without saying a word he confirmed what I already knew all without a word. He SAT DOWN, looked at his hands and said “I wish we could have met under better circumstances”. He then told me that I was pregnant with twins…. but that they could find no heart beats and that my babies had stopped growing around 5 weeks (I should have been close to 10). He then gave me a prescription (for pain meds and the pills that would “clean me out”) and asked if we had any questions.┬áMy boyfriend asked what caused it. When the doctor told him he didn’t know, my boyfriend turned on me and began yelling at me that it was MY fault, that I had done something to cause it and that I deserved it.

That night I inserted the pills they had prescribed me. Within 30 minutes I was writhing in pain. An hour later I went to the bathroom and the first of my “babies” plopped into the toilet. I knew that’s what it was because the water washed away most of the blood and I could see the form of my “baby” inside the sack when I stood. All I could do was lay down on the floor of my bathroom and cry. Finally I picked myself up and laid down on the couch. About 2 hours later I went to use the restroom again. This time my “baby” fell onto the toilet paper in my hand as I was cleaning myself up. I called to my boyfriend because I couldn’t bare to put my “baby” into the toilet. He looked at me like I was dumb and asked “what do you wanna do?! Bury it in the f**kin garden?!” I just walked away as he threw my “baby” in the toilet and flushed. 2 weeks later I packed my daughter and my things and left.

March 2009 I stupidly had gotten back with my ex (from the 2 misscarriages) and we were now married. Yet again a late period and a digital read out. Surprise I’m pregnant! Not planned at all. At this point I was not wanting more children and I was now terrified of getting pregnant. We set up an appointment immediately. And my doctor scheduled an early ultrasound within a week. I was shaking when we went to that first ultrasound and on the verge of tears the entire time. It was April 1st (April Fools Day) 9am…. I practically held my breath the entire time but as soon as they should me my babies beautiful heart beating I finally exhaled. It was such an amazing feeling knowing that so far my baby had a chance! Again everything seemed to go perfectly.

Then on August 6th, 2009 and I noticed a really annoying back ache and it was the exact feeling I had when I started bleeding with my daughter. My MIL rushed me to labor and delivery. Thankfully I was just about 26 weeks so they intervened. When the hooked me up to monitors I was contracting every 5 minutes. They checked me and I was dialated to a 2 and starting to thin. The hooked me up to I.V.s and pumped me full of meds. Thankfully they stopped my labor again. I had to take procardia up until 2 days before they induced me. My son was born 2 days before his due date weighing 8lbs 5ozs 21.5in. My delivery was horrible. Unlike with my daughter things were more difficult and then the doctor “pulled” my placenta out rather than letting it deliver naturally and I began to hemmorage. It took then nearly an hour to slow/stop the bleeding. I walked around the color of butter for a while until my blood cells levels stabilized. My son is now a healthy happy 30lb 2.5 year old!

July 3rd, 2011 Now divorced from my horrible ex husband and in an amazing relationship with my daughter’s dad (2nd daughter born in 2006). We hadn’t been trying or preventing. It was a “go with the flow” situation. My period was due the previous day and first thing in the morning my (now) husband sent me to the store to buy a test. I couldn’t wait to get home and really had to pee so I took the test squatting over a toilet in a Walmart bathroom. The 2 pink lines showed up almost immediately! I took a picture with my phone and sent it to my (now) husband! When I got home he was thrilled and laughing at me for not being able to hold my pee.

Morning sickness seemed to set in immediately and was like clock work. Who ever called it “morning” sickness needs to be beaten. Every night at 9:30pm without fail I was running for my friend the porceline god! Everything was going perfectly except I felt SO small…. I told my (now) husband that I thought something was off and we talked to the OB. They sent us for an in depth ultrasound at 19 weeks and we found out our DAUGHTER was only in the 13th percentile for growth. They told us not to worry that they would continue to keep and eye on it. At 23 weeks they sent us for another ultrasound and she was now only in the 10th…. I began to worry. My doctor became more and more vague… Blowing off my concerns. So at 32 weeks (after 2 appointments with my unconcerned doctor) I switched OB.

My new OB immediately sent me for another “high Def” ultrasound and my baby was diagnosed as SGA and they were concerned it might became IUGR which can lead to FTT. We waited it out. On my due date March 14th, 2012 my water broke. I delivered a beautiful baby girl on March 15, 2012. She weighed in at a tiny (in comparison to my other children) 6lbs 7oz 19inch. And it was comfirmed that she was indeed SGA borderline IUGR. She had to have a lot of blood draws and we found out that she is O+ which they think is part of the reason for her being SGA as I am O- and she is the only one of my children with a positive blood type. She is now a petite but adorable 3 month old and weighs 11lbs and is 21inches…. Lol but she has attitude to make up for what she lacks in size!

Don’t give up hope ladies! There are happy endings for all of us! I thought for sure that after my 2nd daughter I would not be able to have anymore children and now here I am with 2 more amazing children! Anything is possible as long as you don’t give up and hold onto all of the hope and support you can get! Chins up! Put on a smile, try to stay calm and imagine our angel babies up there picking out our next miracles! And if it takes a while for it to be your turn just keep in mind, angel babies can be picky, they want their mommy and daddy to have the miracle that is perfect for them! Not any miracle will do for those with hearts already broken and still mending!

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