Tags
Crazy Lady!, Family, Home, Infant, Loss, Medical ultrasonography, Miscarriage, Personal Stories, Pregnancy, Shopping mall, Support Groups
I found one of the most challenging things after the miscarriage was to go back out into the world and continue on with life. As I mentioned earlier in my post The Day the World Stopped, I found it incredibly hard to come to terms with the fact that world was indeed continuing on as if nothing happened.
My first outing was to the local shopping mall. My husband, bless him, had been encouraging me to get out and about for the last week. He of course had to go back to work straight after the miscarriage so had already successfully integrated himself back into the ‘normal’ world. So off I went, aimlessly walking through the stores, not really seeing anything except……beautiful glowing, radiant pregnant woman…yummy mummies with their prams and ever so cute babies. Everywhere.
I really for a moment thought that I had accidentally turned up to a parenting convention. I swear that day I did not manage to find one single person who was not eitherwithchild or at least had one or more hanging off their hips.
I can so clearly remember what I now can see as the highlight of my crazy paranoia. Walking into clothing store, mainly to try to hide from the mummies, I felt a hard nudge from behind. I swung around to apologise only to come face to face with a wonderfully glowing pregnant lady clutching onto an angelic looking toddler. “Sorry” she remarks. I just turn away from her. “How dare she run into me with her plump belly and gorgeous child…does she not realise that I have just LOST MY BABY!”. As I step out from behind another rack of clothes I feel tears welling in my eyes. I want to leave. Now. Next thing my toe kicks something hard and I trip over. Oh brilliant, a pram. Oh wait, inside there is not one but two gorgeous little cherubs smiling out at me. At this point I start to sweat. Spinning around I look around the shop. There are babies everywhere. Smiling at me, cooing, nuzzling into their mother’s neck. I am going to lose it.
Tears are now streaming down my face, I need to leave. As I try to quickly get out of the store it feels like I am surrounded by these babies and pregnant mums. I am immediately thrown back to a scene out of Snow White where she is running from the Evil Queen through the forest. Scary noises and faces blurring everywhere she turns, that end up just being cute little forest animals. I bumble out of the store, tears streaming down my face running all the way to my car. Everyone’s eyes staring at the crazy lady running past.
Looking back, I don’t think at that point I realised what a bad place, emotionally I really was in. Locked up inside your home, in your familiar surroundings there is safety.
Speaking now to other women who have suffered through miscarriages I now realise that I am not alone. That crazy, paranoid woman was just a mother grieving for her lost child.
It hurts like hell, that first trip out. and you know what? It does keep hurting for a while after. But it does get easier. You do find yourself getting less angry at everyone else for living their lives when yours has stopped.
My only advice is to just do it. But do it slowly. Don’t commit to a huge outing, keep it small. It is the opposite of braving cold water, sometimes it really is best just to dip your toe into the water first.